Thursday, February 8, 2018
Crush a Diamond with a Hammer? | Dude Perfect
Thursday, September 25, 2014
The aftermath of it all
I'm writing on this blog that no one reads, simply because I can't get through to the people who matter.
Pepper,
I woke up at 4.53am to a barrage of missed calls and text messages. And a 15 minutes long recording.
I listened to it. All of it. I called but my number has been blocked forever. I texted, but text messages don't go through when the number is blocked.
You are right, I never fought hard enough and I never loved you. By the time I felt that gut-level love, I couldn't get past all the violence. It felt like we couldn't run away from it. And I started to lack consciousness of what life had for me. Violence makes me mediocre - because mediocrity within myself, is the only way I can justify a violent reaction. I'm full of shitty excuses and half-assed ideas. I constantly mess things up and never do enough for you to give you the best.
Heck, what kind of man doesn't feel jealous over the things you've done with Fred? Only that I feel wronged?
You've decided to let me go, because I was never there for you. That's justifiable and fair.
I want to thank you, for letting me so far in. For letting me see true aspects of you, which I stupidly could never connect to. I've got nothing more to say, plenty of excuses - but you don't deserve the shit I give you. And I can't seem to go anywhere right now because over everything hanging over my head.
I wish I could do right by you.
Leroy
Saturday, June 28, 2014
She loved me more.
So I'm freshly single. Not that I really come back to this old blog much anymore.
Kahyan.
Where do I start?
Treason towards Frederick, a childhood friend. Perhaps the only friend who was closer to me than a brother. That I snitched his girl from under him the day following valentine's day?
It started with a kiss, eh? And I never took heed of her warnings. That I didn't love her. I never listened. I still don't listen. And when I know what listening meant- so much has gone down that I barely want to.
Self preservation drives me I suppose. Desire to be respected, even if I don't deserve it. Due to a belief that I would accord the same to those who wronged me.
I've got some regrets. But not of meeting these two people in my life. They may hate me to my guts, but from them I've also grown again. To know that the costs of love run deep when insecurities are present. That I'm a womanizer, haha! That consistency is the key to integrity. Actions and results speak louder than words of reason.
Well, time to put this to rest and move forward. Maybe I speak less now because I know how foolish I am.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Step, step away.
Almost half a year now.
We haven't spoken since the last courtesy message.
You've moved on quite a bit,
That's good. Actually, wonderful.
I'm glad you've found friends you love,
I'm sure they love you too.
You always were the lovelier of us.
Thank you for never asking,
If I'm doing well.
Or bothering with courtesy messages
Apart from "you too."
My heart doesn't race anymore,
It pulsates, slow.
I guess it is a sign of mercy.
I don't know which hurts more,
Being hurt or living with the guilt of hurting.
It feels all the same after a while.
The pain settles into this dull throb.
One that creeps in when you least expect it.
When the nights grow colder,
And a lonely gale catches you in its dance.
Almost half a year now,
I'm receiving offers to Universities we talked about.
I'm still going up and about,
But with different eyes and a silenced spirit.
Thank you for never asking,
I'll always want to all the same.
#nowplaying: Step Away- Corey Grat
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
See as I see.
The riot has taken Singapore's media outlets by storm.
This is my personal review some of the things I've seen and read online.
Racial slurring. And a good variety of it. Ranging from slamming the Indian community in Singapore to the "tamed" blaming of Foreign labour forces. I think we all agree that narrow minded accusations are involved in this. It isn't even worth the time elaborating or responding to such people- they are emotionally fueled, clearly without full reasoning abilities and a general smear of the media savvy community.
The peace lovers who go make love, not war. Encouraging their viewers to embrace the fellow laborer in their difficult times. One even used it to link up his personal song cover under the guise of this. These people, I rarely see in real life. Because when I do meet them, they are nothing like what they preach. I'd say it is hypocritical, but it isn't- it is a moral justification for their personality. An outpost for them to declare to the world: "I am a wonderful and lovely human being who embraces everyone and brings smiles everywhere." They mention hardships where they have felt none. Commonly self indulgent in their goodness and moral compasses in life only by paying lip service. I believe they are the most self centered folks, who do not hold any significant contribution in assessment of anything. I used to be like that- not anymore.
The social commentators- the one who tries to pin the blame of the events on whoever was involved. Someone needs to be at fault, even if that someone is no one specifically. These are the folks who are critics. Reasoning and backing their claims. It is what the schools have taught us to do. It is intellectual and does provide a small amount of insight into what has occurred. But it does nothing for the aftermath. The jaywalker shouldn't have jay walked, the rioters shouldn't have become what they were,they police should've done this, the place should've been like that. They have the solution to everything- except, they can't see the future. It is one level up from spreading common sense, I suppose.
The case makers, they are the "reliable ones" with articles backing them up. Coming in late with their arguments constructed well. BBC, dailymail and other new agencies go through their cross examinations to find a key root. They emphasize on a point which is logical and important- something out of the box. These are our A students. They find perspectives to reason the situation. Our South Asian workforce coming from unreliable governance- using vigilante force to achieve their justice in revenge of their fellow countrymen. They have never felt the Singapore justice. These people give us a sense of security, because they know what they are talking about.
The ones who just don't care. For whatever reasons: selfish, troublesome, above it all, someone else will settle. They are highly individualistic in their own lives and continue to be so- unless it impacts them directly. These are the wild cards , you don't know if they have their own comments or they are empty headed.
These are the people we have around us. Some in larger numbers than others. I identify with all because emotion, reasoning and logic all run through the same course before we can ever find a way to make sense of anything. Yet we forget that the media does nothing to affect the truth except distort it.
Information is personal and realities are taken in the way an individual wants to take it. Ideological truths are never universal- they are personal. Just remember that.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
What I wouldn't give to have it back.
This is it, huh.
Living the nightmare.
I had it coming. I absolutely had it coming.
Love, Always.
Grass.
Monday, November 18, 2013
The Fool.
Silence my heart and mind. Spurn my spirit. Break me so that I can be new again.
This is my only wish. My only prayer.
I was foolish to think myself wise.
I do not know or see the world as others do.
I am selfish.
I am a bigot.
But alas, I am also human.
Not what I want, but what is necessary.
Those were the rules.
They are principles.
They sometimes contradict but they do not betray the truth.
I will keep to silence,
And stay in your counsel, Father.
You do not speak to me,
Yet you show me so much more than I could ever comprehend.
I am not religious, I pray you do not hold that against me.
It is only because I sense that you aren't to be bound by our interpretations.
Father, I ask-
Not for detachment,
Not for enlightenment,
Not for answers,
Or for questions.
I ask for what you desire of me.
And the courage to walk with it.
I'm broken & burning.
Grant me courage to be exceptional.
Beyond the expectations of others,
Only to fulfill your joyful tasks.
This is a time of trial.
My heart wishes to turn from you once more.
But that would be a sacrifice from you to me in vain.
The love that you have shown me,
And graced me with.
It isn't in my control, whatever I feel.
I leave that up to you.
Dip me in the red blood of anger,
Or leave me to hang in a bulb of isolation.
Paint me with vibrant colours of joy.
Or sit me down to embrace frustration.
I surrender now. I surrender to you.
Amen.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
An open letter to zealots of inclusion. (Of any sort)
Dear Zealot,
I am not like you. I do not enjoy the things you do. Accept that fact.
Yes, I may be a whatever phobe. But I will not shun you for it. I will, however, shun you if you are being infantile and throw tantrums - linking my initial judgement of saying "No." to your sensitive personal antlers.
My decision to say no had nothing to do with who you are as a person but everything to do with what I want to stand for. I rejected your proposed idea to "try out" what you said gives you ecstatic pleasure- because I know it will invoke quite the opposite reaction for me. I have things I enjoy that you'll have distaste for too. We compromise.
We are not all the same inside. We are different. That is a point to take pride in. I see you- for who you are. I do not project a persona on you to fulfill my own agenda. You have your faults, I have mine. That's why we can laugh with each other over comments that range from silly to outright bigotry with each other. Because we know it isn't personal, it is the stereotype that we laugh at.
Before we get to mocking and daring. I'd say that I have learnt enough to know that when I say no, it affects my social standing. But I'd rather compromise on that, than on character at this stage in my life.
You are different from me. And I respect your identity in that position. Call me a fool, but I have my personal stance. So get off the case of everyone accepting and embracing everything. We don't. And as we grow older, we select what traits we want to keep and what we don't. Some mistakes are irreparable and we can only wait for another opportunity. So grant me your patience, while I go through my walks in life- one day I might get back to you as a different man from who I was. You'll have the choice to accept that too.
I wish you a pleasant day and yes, I don't quite care to be liked by you. Because character might help me breath a little easier than power when it comes to my death bed. I'll take that chance.
Regards,
Another zealot.
P. S. It has contradictions I'm well aware of. I am a hypocrite. Bite me.
Friday, November 8, 2013
When you know better, you do better.
Soundtrack: Passenger- Patient Love (All the Little Lights Album)
It still haunts me when I wake from my slumber.
The joy. The pain. The hour's ride for 5mins and a moment.
Breaking up is never an easy process.
This is only a part of me:
I'm not an easy person to love. Ask my best friends. Ask those who loved me for who they thought I was. Ask the ones who have lived with me for half their lives, my family. Ask the little one who has lived with me all his life, my brother. Ask those who haven't arrived at the doorstep of acquintance, who pass over like I've had blood smeared on the door. Ask me.
I love people.
I'll stand by that statement.
Looking around now, my social circle is probably a wasteland compared to what I had a year ago. Misjudgement, selfishness, ego, desire and greed.
All that in exchange for knowledge and understanding of the human condition and of the individuals whom I still care about. I probably wouldn't do much to change it if I went back in time. (Okay, one or two things would definitely be changed.)
I'm not sorry that I shattered the rose tinted glasses you saw me through. I'm not jealous of your happiness. I'm not jealous that people around you make you happier than I do.
I just wish, so hard- before I sleep every night that you'll know, I love you.
Yes, it is self-serving. Yes, it is egotistical to put out a statement like that. But when I say it, it isn't an empty bullet- it isn't a feel good statement. I just want you to know.
It isn't any of my business. But it is. It is who I am and I'm damn proud of it.
"I've learnt that I still have a lot to learn. I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
This is my problem. This is me taking ownership of it. I won't say it anymore. Not until I can scream it out at the top of my lungs to the world in front of you.
'Till the time when we can laugh and kiss under the moonbeam again.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Holding on - lightly.
#NowPlaying I'd rather be with you - Joshua Radin
I need to be bold,
need to jump in the cold water,
need to grow older with a girl like you.
Finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy.
When you show me the truth.
Yeah, I'd rather be with you.
Say you want the same thing too.
It is true - the weekends are the hardest as we predicted.
It is 12mn here. I'm wondering what you are doing and I'm picturing you - with your beautiful sun beamed faced, laughing amongst friends. Secretly eyeing that one hottie or guy who has piqued your interest in that moment. I smile for you - that picture is immensely beautiful and it is what I want for you.
But behind all that - a small prick, it starts like a hypodermic needle to the sternum. I barely feel it. Then it spreads, a numbing cold followed by slight contractions of the muscles that follow behind the wavefront - like crisp pieces of paper, crumpled by sudden freezing. Then envy and jealousy rears itself. The picture vanishes and I'm left with your tears. Goodbyes and the very thing I want to avoid.
Letting go is hard. For now, I suppose my touch will be bare and light. You won't feel me there and maybe you'll forget me. We've said that we'll make time for each other - yet here is the start of how life is putting us apart. I'm staring at skype - you are uncontactable. No, I don't hold it against you. It is fine, these things slip our mind. But I'm fighting - I'm fighting to keep this all together. I've let too many precious people, the ones who matter, slip between my fingers to the sands of time.
Work keeps me occupied and ambition fills my day. The nights get tough and I surrender to my own emotions - let the thoughts come in tidal waves. Preparing the mail, surprises, gifts, plans - allowing myself to love with reckless abandon.
It grates and it hurts to be out here - expressing how I feel after losing everything I fought for to sheer immaturity and a lack of faith. Yet, it is always worth it - just to know your day is made a little better.
I love you, probably will do so for a long time coming, that will never change. So I'll wait.
But that doesn't change anything now, does it?
