Please HATE me.
"According to Leroy:
I am NOT allowed to be upset in any way or form, neither am i allowed to outwardly show any example of negative emotions, even if they are not target at him. Forced smiles aren't allowed either, because i have to be TRUE and 100% HAPPY when i'm around him. If not, he'll get irritated, and count it as instance of argument with him, even if it had nothing to do with him whatsoever, and use it back against me as reasoning and justification to fuck me up and over.
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Oh and my depression? So nooooo excuse! It must be DEALT WITH IMMEDIATELY! One month, and you say more time? Well then i say good-BYE! ):
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I am also to be be polite, sweet, and mature, and accept any shit he gives to me, because apparently he's 18 and that gives him the right to be immature.
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And because my ideals are different from his, they are therefore outdated and old-fashioned, and should be discarded or be counted as worthless. Because he's the most of up to date person EVER, and his views are echoed by everyone else around the world! I'm the guy from the "Romantic Era". I'm like a couple of hundred years old fashioned, ZOMG!!! D: I should have known care and concern for friends was dead, and all people want is just "someone easy to talk to". By that justification, he pretty much claimed that i ain't his best friend anymore too i suppose, so, OKAY! Because in his opinion, "best friends" are people he(namely everyone but me too!) can talk to easily, and since i'm not on his list of those kind of people now, i should be by default, no longer his "best friend" (:
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I guess my idea of a best friend should change to follow his as well too huh? My definition of a best friend, that is a person i would give even my life to protect, is wrong, so OKAY to that too! I'm just old fashioned, right? (: Its nothing! Its meaningless! No one else gives a shit about those kind of things anymore, so i shouldn't bother. Thats what he says, so thats what i'm supposed to do. Because his view is omnipotent, and mine is just that of a insignificant gnat :D
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So using that view of "being easy to talk to = best friend", i should be below since i don't even talk to Leroy anymore. And random people around him are all his besties for life! Good to know (: In fact, when i DO try to talk to him, he goes "You so irritating!~~". Like, wha? Ok, so i can't say this, i can't say that, .... Wait, nothing left for me to say? Okay, but why are you telling me what specific topics to talk to you about now? I don't know, is it really normal to set ground rules for conversation between friends? You mean i can only talk about trivial stuff? But i thought you hated gossip and stuff like that? No? Its just me then? Okay, maybe i should just shut up and sit here quietly then :/ .... Wait, even me being here, barely noticable to you in the corner, irritates you now? I'm doing something wrong? Oookay...
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Did you jump for joy and celebrate when i suggested this break, Leroy? =D Did you think "OMG, GOOD RIDDANCE! WOOHOO!"? Its such a chore just to have me in your presence, isn't it? But why do it then? By try to be my friend? ):
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Oh... So you're not really being my friend? You're just doing it to your own benefit, so others can see you in a better light? You're afraid people would judge you if something were to happen to me? o.O Okaaayy...
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Dear Leroy. Its only been 2 days, but i can honestly say i hate you now (: This mark you left on me and never washed away, is a festering wound, threatening to spread. And i welcome it, with open arms. :D
Your words, the ones that spoke of care and concern, while they might not be lies before, but are now such. The past is the past, like you always say. Never expected me to consider throwing the good things in that pile too, did you? Good or bad, past is the past then.
Never before have i felt such loathing, such anger and fury. I want to punch you. I want to hit you. I want to kick, scream, yell at you. I want to make you feel every single bit of agony you put me through. Every word. Every emotion. I want to throw it at your face. Only then will i be sated.
Maybe its true. Maybe i do need to isolate you into a corner with every issue i've ever had, and dump it together into the sea, with you as its anchor. But no. I have other plans. I have much to set in motion.
You said you would try to be my friend. You said you would prove yourself to me again. To earn back my trust. You said so many things. So many times. And for what? What is this for? A joke? A free drama serial? Or maybe to add in your "resume for life experiences"? TO boast about to others, perhaps? Show that you're such a "sweet and caring" person? Hahhahaha.
This break? I wonder what you'll do with it. Would you use it to think of better ways to handle this situation? Or would you toss the opportunity aside, once again, because you had "better and more important" leisure activities to attend to? I know in my mind which one you'll choose. Its always the same with you. Never have you ever sought to prove me wrong either.
Go, have fun and relax, this one's on me, or rather at my expense. Go do whatever frivolous stuff you want to do, i don't give a fuck. Next week, we'll see. Next week, i'm settling this. All it takes is a week. And we'll see how much we've both let this wound fester."
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Hate me. I am that horrible person. Word FOR WORD. Honestly.
I have come to a realization
Sigh, I don't know if I should feel terrible or just discard this. I'm lost. I fucked up as a friend. What this person says is the truth. I will not deny anything. I'm a shithole.
This is it.
This person is a good friend of mine I've known for the last 6 years. He knows me well enough. And so I am this person. I ain't a saint. I ain't a christian. I'm human. I err. I kill.
Moral reasoning will be the eventual death of humanity.
