I wonder if this should be a personal reminder to me on a public platform.

No more excuses. No more reasons. I'm going to find a better part of myself, instead of festering in this cesspool of self-indulgence.

"There are only results, or reasons." - Soon, TCC.

There's so much life has to offer, and I've been sitting back for so long. Complaining and whining about my conditions and my workplace, being the victim of circumstance. I've fallen into the trap of a passive life style. I've lacked the courage to take action and move on due to the simple phrase of "I need the money." It is an important phrase, and we do need money. But I don't think it should be dictated by it anymore. And to work for the value I'm paid for, short changes me in the long run as opposed to my self-righteous justifications in the short term.

Enough is enough. Time to focus and get my shit together. The idea is not to produce top-notch work all the time now (it is near impossible to have that kind of self-imposed expectation) but to continue doing my work and doing it well enough within deadline with the due respect it deserves. While practising what I desire to practise. To get through each day feeling fulfilled and well spent. That's the goal. And it starts with discipline. It is only logical that the best way to get better and faster at something is to put in the hours that helps you find those shortcuts and little tricks that works best for you as an individual.

I want to definitely get more connected with my body, strengthening and conditioning it. Explore more possibilities of my multiple selves as an artist through all venues of art. Continue the daily routine of clearing out gunk with free flow writing and thought logging. Stay in a space of creation because we are all creative beings and the most meaningful work, is work that seemingly stems from nothingness - work that comes from the soul and breaks through all barriers to be manifested in the physical. A theatre company that brings value and questions reality in search of the many facades of truth in the human condition - that's my dream. It doesn't have to be a "company" but as long as I can continue in the work. To learn about the truth of people as we are, through the stories of others with their cooperation and guidance. About the nature of why we are where we are as people, and how happiness comes in the various forms it does.


Today as I was preparing the cards, tying them to the flowers - I thought of you. The soft fragrance from the flowers and the rough texture of twine. It truly is scary, these thoughts. I've always believed that the most difficult part to manage when it comes to matters of the heart is the mind-games that our rational side plays with us. The fear of being hurt, of hurting, of upsetting, of destroying what is already there. SMILE. the one word etched onto the front of a card stood out. That's what I want for others - especially people around me. Just want them to have a smile - the reason why I gave immediate support to this project despite the poor feedback from others. 200 people and only 7 bothered enough to turn up for this, but that's better than nothing. Just smile and be selfish, love yourself enough to trust your choices. I'm done with fear - I have allowed fear of action to walk me and lead my by the nose to my greatest fear, stagnant living. Living without growth. Without goals. Without a course of action. You have, within a short window, inspired me to change that. That's how you affect me. I fear commitment, I still feel like there is a phase of my life where solitude and a bachelor lifestyle may be necessary - but I believe in the possibility in growing together while apart. I still care, but I'm scared too - of my innate possessive nature that will crumble and hollow me out as a person like I have been before. Yet fear is a sign that something strong will follow with this action - so I'll place my chip on this and go with what my gut says. What about you?




SMILE
though your heart is breaking
Smile
even though its aching
When there are cloud in the sky
You'll get by

If you smile
Through your pains and sorrows
Smile
and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
for you.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile,
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile~
If you just Smile.

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side." - Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

Don't torture yourself.

Keep waiting and watching for what needs to be done.

But maybe, just maybe. If you held your breath, force it down, keep it caged and suppressed. There might be the possibility that waiting wouldn't be so difficult to bear. Because pain is so much easier to manage - at least that's what society wants you to think.

Well, lets start of with a sombre note. I have $20 left for 2 weeks of the month. But thankfully, I have a cheque coming in next week for story telling. Now, that's my slice of reality for this post. Lets jump into my mind!

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”- Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Why do people love possessing things? They desire to be possessed, yet know that possessing another person could and would kill the spirit that they so loved within another. How does one capture a beautiful bird without killing its spirit? A koan that was taught with a sacred answer. The realization was immense and it slips in and out of my consciousness from time to time. I've only shared the answer with one other person - but I don't think it was a wrong thing to do, it was within a relevant context and she probably understands it better than me.

It is weird really, to be an instructor. To know so little, understand less and to be teaching the children of the future generation. I've even gone to the point of being petty, where I debate with my students over things they would never imagine to understand - asking them questions I myself have no answers to. I don't want to be a teacher at this point in my life. I know less than what I knew when I was in school. I used to dream a lot, and I still do. But I realised that dreaming is only the 1st step, it doesn't do any good unless a due amount of work is put into it. And work is painful. I never liked pain, but I'm now considering - that I should embrace pain to bring pleasure. Yet it isn't the complete truth because the addiction to pain, leads to suffering because of the idea that sacrifice is always necessary. So what is my relationship to pain? It feels necessary yet destructive. More to learn I suppose.

I'll take time off from my art soon. I need to live more, learn more before my desire to practise my art consumes me and makes me more mediocre than I already am. I feel like I'm a performer, yet by all standards I am not what people would consider for a role in the theatre. I'm starting to feel that my gifts lie in a realm between music, visual arts and drama - a thought that hasn't been scratched upon. I need to question more. Ask more. Learn. Learn. And grow. Because what's the point of life, if all you ever know is security in the past - in what is already proven? Science can be replicated. But in life, in art - things are relevant in a moment, yet if it is the human condition - it holds a lifetime of value. And one person's creation in art, is unlike any other. Its beauty is in being verifiable yet impossible to replicate. Like the truth. The only constant.

I don't know if this makes any sense to me, but it does - for now. Until things change and I grow again. I might look back and say - this was a turning point. Or I may laugh and say - I still hadn't grown up then. This is me, being unrealistic, immature and childish beyond belief. Yet I think there is value in even the most banal things - because it shapes what we are as a being. Maybe.

I've had enough. I have to get this out of me.

I don't feel anything for Lord of the Flies. It doesn't feel like my graduation piece. I've said this for the third time now, and it is getting out of hand. I need to get this out of my system. But the casting is quite messed up right now in my opinion. And the angst is getting to me. Funny part about it all, I'm consciously okay with it. But my subconscious is not. Whenever a certain character takes to stage, I get sleepy, or I just outright fall asleep during his character discussion. Because I don't see the actor measure up to the role and watching such a brilliant role, get massacred like that. It is horrible to watch.  I'm tired. Nights.

It matters.

You matter. To me. You do.

It was all set up. A space at my friend's place all to me. Us, if you will.

It mattered. I messed up this time.


The first time I have felt this way and prepared like this for anyone over Skype. Disappointed that it didn't get through.

Now I can't get to sleep.

I don't know what we are, but I want it to work out well. Foolish statement, but at least it is a truth.