I wonder if this should be a personal reminder to me on a public platform.

No more excuses. No more reasons. I'm going to find a better part of myself, instead of festering in this cesspool of self-indulgence.

"There are only results, or reasons." - Soon, TCC.

There's so much life has to offer, and I've been sitting back for so long. Complaining and whining about my conditions and my workplace, being the victim of circumstance. I've fallen into the trap of a passive life style. I've lacked the courage to take action and move on due to the simple phrase of "I need the money." It is an important phrase, and we do need money. But I don't think it should be dictated by it anymore. And to work for the value I'm paid for, short changes me in the long run as opposed to my self-righteous justifications in the short term.

Enough is enough. Time to focus and get my shit together. The idea is not to produce top-notch work all the time now (it is near impossible to have that kind of self-imposed expectation) but to continue doing my work and doing it well enough within deadline with the due respect it deserves. While practising what I desire to practise. To get through each day feeling fulfilled and well spent. That's the goal. And it starts with discipline. It is only logical that the best way to get better and faster at something is to put in the hours that helps you find those shortcuts and little tricks that works best for you as an individual.

I want to definitely get more connected with my body, strengthening and conditioning it. Explore more possibilities of my multiple selves as an artist through all venues of art. Continue the daily routine of clearing out gunk with free flow writing and thought logging. Stay in a space of creation because we are all creative beings and the most meaningful work, is work that seemingly stems from nothingness - work that comes from the soul and breaks through all barriers to be manifested in the physical. A theatre company that brings value and questions reality in search of the many facades of truth in the human condition - that's my dream. It doesn't have to be a "company" but as long as I can continue in the work. To learn about the truth of people as we are, through the stories of others with their cooperation and guidance. About the nature of why we are where we are as people, and how happiness comes in the various forms it does.


Today as I was preparing the cards, tying them to the flowers - I thought of you. The soft fragrance from the flowers and the rough texture of twine. It truly is scary, these thoughts. I've always believed that the most difficult part to manage when it comes to matters of the heart is the mind-games that our rational side plays with us. The fear of being hurt, of hurting, of upsetting, of destroying what is already there. SMILE. the one word etched onto the front of a card stood out. That's what I want for others - especially people around me. Just want them to have a smile - the reason why I gave immediate support to this project despite the poor feedback from others. 200 people and only 7 bothered enough to turn up for this, but that's better than nothing. Just smile and be selfish, love yourself enough to trust your choices. I'm done with fear - I have allowed fear of action to walk me and lead my by the nose to my greatest fear, stagnant living. Living without growth. Without goals. Without a course of action. You have, within a short window, inspired me to change that. That's how you affect me. I fear commitment, I still feel like there is a phase of my life where solitude and a bachelor lifestyle may be necessary - but I believe in the possibility in growing together while apart. I still care, but I'm scared too - of my innate possessive nature that will crumble and hollow me out as a person like I have been before. Yet fear is a sign that something strong will follow with this action - so I'll place my chip on this and go with what my gut says. What about you?




SMILE
though your heart is breaking
Smile
even though its aching
When there are cloud in the sky
You'll get by

If you smile
Through your pains and sorrows
Smile
and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
for you.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile,
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile~
If you just Smile.