Hi Friend,
I know it is 4am in the morning. I'm sorry for writing to you, but I just needed to find a place to get this off my chest in the most appropriate manner. I don't know who you are, but I thank you - for not being the one who judges, for being the person who could get any one they want but chooses not to, for choosing not to sleep with the hottie next door even though you can, for being faithful to the one you love - even if they don't seem to reciprocate that.
I hope you'd take some time to listen to my story, as a friend. I'm a shit boyfriend but I think I'd make a good friend.
You deserve it. You deserve the world. You deserve a lover, whom you love and loves you back with a similar amount of affection. It is the best feeling in the world - I promise. Even though I've only felt it once in my short life.
My story is a long story, so before you read - get yourself a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate, because I think that'll make the story easier to read, in case you get sleepy. But here is my story that taught me a thing or two about love. In year 2, I met this girl - Ariel. Ariel is this amazing girl I met at a social group meeting, called InnoV Guides. I was on the team because, well - I dunno. I guess I just wanted something to fill up my time then - it was a good choice. When Ariel walked in - it was almost like I could sense her before she turned round the corner to open the door. I was making small talk and banter and this lady - glides in through the door, as meek as a mouse, and slides herself into her seat. Now, I don't know how you see girls - but I've never seen a girl move as gracefully as she did. She caught my attention for sure.
I sneaked and caught a glimpse of her. I said sneak but honestly it was more like, over the table, open discussion and briefing and I pretty much stared at her sometimes. That pale snow like skin, her rich and seemingly weightless raven-black hair, the shy but piercing and beautiful cat eyes that she had, even as her specs sat on the ridge of her nose - you could tell she was gorgeous. I'd like the paint that image for you in your mind because, that's how I saw her. I think it was love at first sight - but those things don't exist and only scare girls away.
So I kept it quiet the whole time. I mean, after a couple of months after we talked. Yes, I asked for her number but we only talked when she texted me on FB for advice on hosting. It was amazing, I really liked her and wanted to have the chance to love her. We "dated" maybe once or twice per holiday and there was a period of time I had lunch with her every Wednesday for my 1 hour lunch before my GEMs classes. I told her I liked her, and she said she never thought about it - then I got my chance to do all these little "weirder" things in a friend's context but she never really showed any signs - it was a little demoralizing but hey, love was never easy right? We dated once, for a day. I couldn't sleep that night - and when we had lunch the next day I was overly excited and before I left I kissed her forehead. She froze up. It was only momentarily but - I wish you could imagine how I felt kissing someone for the first time and have them freeze up. I'm sorry, I can't talk about that anymore.
So 2 years after that, I'm in BMT and Ariel hasn't talked to me for about 2 months now after this whole incident with a girl named Kerri. I don't know why I told Ariel - but she's my friend and she asked and I didn't have anyone to talk to who didn't judge me. So I was pretty sure Ariel had considered me as a peripheral friend and I was out of her life. I thought it was about time I get over her and I wanted to see if I could play around with the idea of attracting whoever I wanted through acting and just saying lines. I was looking around and I tried my luck with this girl named Dixie.
She was responsive, receptive, available - and it killed time. I was bored and she was entertainment. I never really thought about it. But then I grew interested and figured hey, why not throw out the line and get her to choose. Well lets just say, after that point, Ariel decided to pop right back in and check up on me. I told her what was going on and only then learnt that she liked me. I was angry, I guess. Once again being the one who never knew a single thing.
But I loved Ariel so I picked her. The story goes I promise her not to meet Dixie but I do and I do more than that and now I'm paying the price for it. I guess the point of my story in this case, friend, is to ask for what you need when you need it the most. And don't make assumptions. And remember, that for who you love - the person you love and who loves you back and makes you happy. Be willing to sacrifice your image that other people may have of you. I continued telling Dixie I liked her to make sure she didn't feel used and to maintain my image. You don't do that kind of things and I've learnt that lesson. Hard.
I'm sorry friend. But I hurt Ariel, bad. Now whenever I see her - her smile seems a little broken. She hardly wears specs, but you can see the scars in her eyes. I wish I could fix it all. But I've blown it. Good too. I wish I could turn back time and teach myself what I know now. I wish her pale skin, her raven black hair, her cat like eyes didn't carry all that pain when she sees me. I want her to forget me sometimes. So maybe we'll meet again and she won't recognize me - and I'll change my name. And maybe, just maybe - I'll get it right then.
I have to go now, I don't like to cry - a man shouldn't cry over spilt milk. It hurts though - being the one who hurts. Because you are the mistake and the world will never see it. I am a mistake, goodbye now friend. Thank you for not being the one who judges, for being the one who can get anyone they want and who chooses not to, for choosing not to sleep with the hottie next door even if you can, and for being faithful to the ones you love - even if they don't reciprocate it. You give me faith in humanity like no one else. And I love you too - even if it is a broken and imperfect love I have to offer. I hope you accept it.
Love,
Grass.
So I've recently gone on this TEDtalk inflation. In case you haven't heard about TEDtalks - they are recorded in conferences where brilliant researchers come together to share their insights and views on issues they spent a good portion of their lives working on. Condensing issues down to a 20mins talk- to set others thinking.
A couple of the brilliant talks I've come across are Do schools kill creativity by Sir Ken Robinson, The art of Asking by Amanda Palmer, The power of introverts by Susan Cain, The power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown and the Paradox of Choices by Barry Schwartz. Then there is If I should have a daughter by Sarah Kay- which brought me to these TED talks in the first place.
They've all set me pondering and thinking about happiness, love, creation, creativity, perception, understanding and most importantly- why research is so important in everything we do. And I just want to reflect upon some of those things here: in the form of writing.
We experience the world as individuals- no two people share exact experiences. So then, there is no set standard for how things are meant to run.
Now, I'm not saying there isn't a definition of right or wrong. Moral reasoning will always remains a greater part of the human psyche, it fulfills our function for survival as a society. I'm just saying non-normative influences on development in our society has been ever increasing. A good example is the various ages people graduate from university or get admitted into one.
This is an easy example to draw from as I relate to it personally- watching peers move into universities of their choices and I am held back by national service. I wish to move on with education and my career too- but it doesn't make my experiences in the army less valid. It does however, impact the way I relate to the world and the people around me.
I am afraid of being wrong- I'll admit that. We all are- society has hard wired us to not accept failure. That it is a horrible and unacceptable thing. So much so, that in education- I think I can safely say this, the motivation for a good part of our cohort is no longer to learn and wonder but to not fail instead. That's why everyone is striving to be straight A, biochemist, nuclear physicist, ultra-marathoner, Pulitzer writer, ironmen or women.
But failure teaches too. And I know that all too well because I, as with everyone else, have struggled with "Not good enough"- and come out on the battered end. But it doesn't stop anything- life has to happen and it will with or without failures.
But here is the next problem- millenials. We have heard criticism about them and all the new coverage. They are the "me, me, me" generation and are subject to Facebook, Instagram, twitter and a myriad of social networking tools to "broadcast" to the world- in search of validity and to feed their love for the idea of "I am me." They quote and misquote, air their vulnerabilities online and bare their teeth at dirty linen in the virtual world.
I admire technology, I love it. I think it is one of the best things to happen in the world. But this needs some control. As Sir Ken Robinson says "it is interesting how education has the same hierarchy of subjects no matter where you go." Math and languages, humanities then the arts. And even in the arts - music and visual arts are placed above drama and dance.
Why?
Don't we all have bodies? Wouldn't we all dance if we were given the opportunity to? That's my issue with how technology affects the millenials- they prefer tech over physical activities a lot of time. And they'd want to watch rubbish to fulfill their boredom. Unless they are the blessed few who then spend a good part of their lives being controlled to focus on another task. Otherwise, I'd say technology is taking away out ability to listen because of the power to broadcast.
There is so much more to understands and I wish I had the capacity to do so much more- but for now, it is time to focus on keeping standards in the army to defend our systems against threats. Maybe I think and worry too much- but I don't think anything is an isolated event and eventually we will feel the repercussions of our present- in the future.
At this moment, I've constantly been barraged by a mixture of relief, guilt, sorrow, joy, pain and anger. The relief comes from confession and telling of truths. Guilt, from the hurt it causes you. Sorrow, from the knowledge that each syllable that is pronounce brings a wall between you and I - no longer us. Joy - because you told me "You can't hurt me anymore." Pain because I am no longer allowed to show my love for you either. Anger - because all this could have been avoided given a few things.
We could have worked out in so many ways.
Yet I destroyed it all - thanks to her.
Yes. I was weak, and you deserve someone stronger.
Yet, you could have told me to wait in year 2 - I'd have waited and she'd never have had a place in my life. And you never allowed me to feel accepted by you - not until I wore my heart on my sleeves for someone else. For you, I did things beyond my own courage - slipped letters, discreet lunches away from classmates, tiny cards, written notes. I don't think I could love another as well as I loved you - you were the epitome of my romantic creativity. All I needed was a "give me more time." or "Here is what I plan on doing..."
But these are all excuses - to play the blame game. To switch things up. Nope, these are games for children and I have to get beyond that. I made mistakes and hurt people around me. I have demons within myself and somehow, I'll have to live with all these wrongs I've done.
But thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For showing me, I am capable of loving someone beyond myself. Amidst all the mistakes I made, I know that one fact to be true. I wish I could say I'll move on - but it is a huge obstacle to cross. The need to forgive myself for hurting you - because I can't. To commit such treachery and betray such a sweet, good, pure and pleasant lady like you. I don't think I'll move on. But I will strive to be a better gentleman.
There isn't a day I don't wake up feeling guilty and pained by what I have done to you. No girl deserves to have been treated the way I did to you. I wish I could treat your wounds, patch you up and hold you tight - but no one can stitch a wound whilst holding a sword in hand. Just don't ever forget the good times - I pray they outweigh the evil within me. I hope our paths cross again, yet I pray we do not meet again. It is paradoxical and a horrible cage that holds me now.
Adieu, ma cherie.
Insomniac
There are some nights when
sleep plays coy,
aloof and disdainful.
And all the wiles
that I employ to win
its service to my side
are useless as wounded pride,
and much more painful.
-Maya Angelou.