Hi Friend,

I know it is 4am in the morning. I'm sorry for writing to you, but I just needed to find a place to get this off my chest in the most appropriate manner. I don't know who you are, but I thank you - for not being the one who judges, for being the person who could get any one they want but chooses not to, for choosing not to sleep with the hottie next door even though you can, for being faithful to the one you love - even if they don't seem to reciprocate that.

I hope you'd take some time to listen to my story, as a friend. I'm a shit boyfriend but I think I'd make a good friend.

You deserve it. You deserve the world. You deserve a lover, whom you love and loves you back with a similar amount of affection. It is the best feeling in the world - I promise. Even though I've only felt it once in my short life.

My story is a long story, so before you read - get yourself a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate, because I think that'll make the story easier to read, in case you get sleepy. But here is my story that taught me a thing or two about love. In year 2, I met this girl - Ariel. Ariel is this amazing girl I met at a social group meeting, called InnoV Guides. I was on the team because, well - I dunno. I guess I just wanted something to fill up my time then - it was a good choice. When Ariel walked in - it was almost like I could sense her before she turned round the corner to open the door. I was making small talk and banter and this lady - glides in through the door, as meek as a mouse, and slides herself into her seat. Now, I don't know how you see girls - but I've never seen a girl move as gracefully as she did. She caught my attention for sure.

I sneaked and caught a glimpse of her. I said sneak but honestly it was more like, over the table, open discussion and briefing and I pretty much stared at her sometimes. That pale snow like skin, her rich and seemingly weightless raven-black hair, the shy but piercing and beautiful cat eyes that she had, even as her specs sat on the ridge of her nose - you could tell she was gorgeous. I'd like the paint that image for you in your mind because, that's how I saw her. I think it was love at first sight - but those things don't exist and only scare girls away.

So I kept it quiet the whole time. I mean, after a couple of months after we talked. Yes, I asked for her number but we only talked when she texted me on FB for advice on hosting. It was amazing, I really liked her and wanted to have the chance to love her. We "dated" maybe once or twice per holiday and there was a period of time I had lunch with her every Wednesday for my 1 hour lunch before my GEMs classes. I told her I liked her, and she said she never thought about it - then I got my chance to do all these little "weirder" things in a friend's context but she never really showed any signs - it was a little demoralizing but hey, love was never easy right? We dated once, for a day. I couldn't sleep that night - and when we had lunch the next day I was overly excited and before I left I kissed her forehead. She froze up. It was only momentarily but - I wish you could imagine how I felt kissing someone for the first time and have them freeze up. I'm sorry, I can't talk about that anymore.

So 2 years after that, I'm in BMT and Ariel hasn't talked to me for about 2 months now after this whole incident with a girl named Kerri. I don't know why I told Ariel - but she's my friend and she asked and I didn't have anyone to talk to who didn't judge me. So I was pretty sure Ariel had considered me as a peripheral friend and I was out of her life. I thought it was about time I get over her and I wanted to see if I could play around with the idea of attracting whoever I wanted through acting and just saying lines. I was looking around and I tried my luck with this girl named Dixie.

She was responsive, receptive, available - and it killed time. I was bored and she was entertainment. I never really thought about it. But then I grew interested and figured hey, why not throw out the line and get her to choose. Well lets just say, after that point, Ariel decided to pop right back in and check up on me. I told her what was going on and only then learnt that she liked me. I was angry, I guess. Once again being the one who never knew a single thing.

But I loved Ariel so I picked her. The story goes I promise her not to meet Dixie but I do and I do more than that and now I'm paying the price for it. I guess the point of my story in this case, friend, is to ask for what you need when you need it the most. And don't make assumptions. And remember, that for who you love - the person you love and who loves you back and makes you happy. Be willing to sacrifice your image that other people may have of you. I continued telling Dixie I liked her to make sure she didn't feel used and to maintain my image. You don't do that kind of things and I've learnt that lesson. Hard.

I'm sorry friend. But I hurt Ariel, bad. Now whenever I see her - her smile seems a little broken. She hardly wears specs, but you can see the scars in her eyes. I wish I could fix it all. But I've blown it. Good too. I wish I could turn back time and teach myself what I know now. I wish her pale skin, her raven black hair, her cat like eyes didn't carry all that pain when she sees me. I want her to forget me sometimes. So maybe we'll meet again and she won't recognize me - and I'll change my name. And maybe, just maybe - I'll get it right then.

I have to go now, I don't like to cry - a man shouldn't cry over spilt milk. It hurts though - being the one who hurts. Because you are the mistake and the world will never see it. I am a mistake, goodbye now friend. Thank you for not being the one who judges, for being the one who can get anyone they want and who chooses not to, for choosing not to sleep with the hottie next door even if you can, and for being faithful to the ones you love - even if they don't reciprocate it. You give me faith in humanity like no one else. And I love you too - even if it is a broken and imperfect love I have to offer. I hope you accept it.

Love,
Grass.