At this moment, I've constantly been barraged by a mixture of relief, guilt, sorrow, joy, pain and anger. The relief comes from confession and telling of truths. Guilt, from the hurt it causes you. Sorrow, from the knowledge that each syllable that is pronounce brings a wall between you and I - no longer us. Joy - because you told me "You can't hurt me anymore." Pain because I am no longer allowed to show my love for you either. Anger - because all this could have been avoided given a few things.

We could have worked out in so many ways.

Yet I destroyed it all - thanks to her.

Yes. I was weak, and you deserve someone stronger.

Yet, you could have told me to wait in year 2 - I'd have waited and she'd never have had a place in my life. And you never allowed me to feel accepted by you - not until I wore my heart on my sleeves for someone else. For you, I did things beyond my own courage - slipped letters, discreet lunches away from classmates, tiny cards, written notes. I don't think I could love another as well as I loved you - you were the epitome of my romantic creativity. All I needed was a "give me more time." or "Here is what I plan on doing..."

But these are all excuses - to play the blame game. To switch things up. Nope, these are games for children and I have to get beyond that. I made mistakes and hurt people around me. I have demons within myself and somehow, I'll have to live with all these wrongs I've done.

But thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For showing me, I am capable of loving someone beyond myself. Amidst all the mistakes I made, I know that one fact to be true. I wish I could say I'll move on - but it is a huge obstacle to cross. The need to forgive myself for hurting you - because I can't. To commit such treachery and betray such a sweet, good, pure and pleasant lady like you. I don't think I'll move on. But I will strive to be a better gentleman.

There isn't a day I don't wake up feeling guilty and pained by what I have done to you. No girl deserves to have been treated the way I did to you. I wish I could treat your wounds, patch you up and hold you tight - but no one can stitch a wound whilst holding a sword in hand. Just don't ever forget the good times - I pray they outweigh the evil within me. I hope our paths cross again, yet I pray we do not meet again. It is paradoxical and a horrible cage that holds me now.

Adieu, ma cherie.


Insomniac
There are some nights when
sleep plays coy,
aloof and disdainful.
And all the wiles
that I employ to win
its service to my side
are useless as wounded pride,
and much more painful. 
-Maya Angelou.