Saturday, November 30, 2013
What I wouldn't give to have it back.
This is it, huh.
Living the nightmare.
I had it coming. I absolutely had it coming.
Love, Always.
Grass.
Monday, November 18, 2013
The Fool.
Silence my heart and mind. Spurn my spirit. Break me so that I can be new again.
This is my only wish. My only prayer.
I was foolish to think myself wise.
I do not know or see the world as others do.
I am selfish.
I am a bigot.
But alas, I am also human.
Not what I want, but what is necessary.
Those were the rules.
They are principles.
They sometimes contradict but they do not betray the truth.
I will keep to silence,
And stay in your counsel, Father.
You do not speak to me,
Yet you show me so much more than I could ever comprehend.
I am not religious, I pray you do not hold that against me.
It is only because I sense that you aren't to be bound by our interpretations.
Father, I ask-
Not for detachment,
Not for enlightenment,
Not for answers,
Or for questions.
I ask for what you desire of me.
And the courage to walk with it.
I'm broken & burning.
Grant me courage to be exceptional.
Beyond the expectations of others,
Only to fulfill your joyful tasks.
This is a time of trial.
My heart wishes to turn from you once more.
But that would be a sacrifice from you to me in vain.
The love that you have shown me,
And graced me with.
It isn't in my control, whatever I feel.
I leave that up to you.
Dip me in the red blood of anger,
Or leave me to hang in a bulb of isolation.
Paint me with vibrant colours of joy.
Or sit me down to embrace frustration.
I surrender now. I surrender to you.
Amen.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
An open letter to zealots of inclusion. (Of any sort)
Dear Zealot,
I am not like you. I do not enjoy the things you do. Accept that fact.
Yes, I may be a whatever phobe. But I will not shun you for it. I will, however, shun you if you are being infantile and throw tantrums - linking my initial judgement of saying "No." to your sensitive personal antlers.
My decision to say no had nothing to do with who you are as a person but everything to do with what I want to stand for. I rejected your proposed idea to "try out" what you said gives you ecstatic pleasure- because I know it will invoke quite the opposite reaction for me. I have things I enjoy that you'll have distaste for too. We compromise.
We are not all the same inside. We are different. That is a point to take pride in. I see you- for who you are. I do not project a persona on you to fulfill my own agenda. You have your faults, I have mine. That's why we can laugh with each other over comments that range from silly to outright bigotry with each other. Because we know it isn't personal, it is the stereotype that we laugh at.
Before we get to mocking and daring. I'd say that I have learnt enough to know that when I say no, it affects my social standing. But I'd rather compromise on that, than on character at this stage in my life.
You are different from me. And I respect your identity in that position. Call me a fool, but I have my personal stance. So get off the case of everyone accepting and embracing everything. We don't. And as we grow older, we select what traits we want to keep and what we don't. Some mistakes are irreparable and we can only wait for another opportunity. So grant me your patience, while I go through my walks in life- one day I might get back to you as a different man from who I was. You'll have the choice to accept that too.
I wish you a pleasant day and yes, I don't quite care to be liked by you. Because character might help me breath a little easier than power when it comes to my death bed. I'll take that chance.
Regards,
Another zealot.
P. S. It has contradictions I'm well aware of. I am a hypocrite. Bite me.
Friday, November 8, 2013
When you know better, you do better.
Soundtrack: Passenger- Patient Love (All the Little Lights Album)
It still haunts me when I wake from my slumber.
The joy. The pain. The hour's ride for 5mins and a moment.
Breaking up is never an easy process.
This is only a part of me:
I'm not an easy person to love. Ask my best friends. Ask those who loved me for who they thought I was. Ask the ones who have lived with me for half their lives, my family. Ask the little one who has lived with me all his life, my brother. Ask those who haven't arrived at the doorstep of acquintance, who pass over like I've had blood smeared on the door. Ask me.
I love people.
I'll stand by that statement.
Looking around now, my social circle is probably a wasteland compared to what I had a year ago. Misjudgement, selfishness, ego, desire and greed.
All that in exchange for knowledge and understanding of the human condition and of the individuals whom I still care about. I probably wouldn't do much to change it if I went back in time. (Okay, one or two things would definitely be changed.)
I'm not sorry that I shattered the rose tinted glasses you saw me through. I'm not jealous of your happiness. I'm not jealous that people around you make you happier than I do.
I just wish, so hard- before I sleep every night that you'll know, I love you.
Yes, it is self-serving. Yes, it is egotistical to put out a statement like that. But when I say it, it isn't an empty bullet- it isn't a feel good statement. I just want you to know.
It isn't any of my business. But it is. It is who I am and I'm damn proud of it.
"I've learnt that I still have a lot to learn. I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
This is my problem. This is me taking ownership of it. I won't say it anymore. Not until I can scream it out at the top of my lungs to the world in front of you.
'Till the time when we can laugh and kiss under the moonbeam again.
