I'm writing on this blog that no one reads, simply because I can't get through to the people who matter.

Pepper,
I woke up at 4.53am to a barrage of missed calls and text messages. And a 15 minutes long recording.

I listened to it. All of it. I called but my number has been blocked forever. I texted, but text messages don't go through when the number is blocked.

You are right, I never fought hard enough and I never loved you. By the time I felt that gut-level love, I couldn't get past all the violence. It felt like we couldn't run away from it. And I started to lack consciousness of what life had  for me. Violence makes me mediocre - because mediocrity within myself, is the only way I can justify a violent reaction. I'm full of shitty excuses and half-assed ideas. I constantly mess things up and never do enough for you to give you the best.

Heck, what kind of man doesn't feel jealous over the things you've done with Fred? Only that I feel wronged?

You've decided to let me go, because I was never there for you. That's justifiable and fair.

I want to thank you, for letting me so far in. For letting me see true aspects of you, which I stupidly could never connect to. I've got nothing more to say, plenty of excuses - but you don't deserve the shit I give you. And I can't seem to go anywhere right now because over everything hanging over my head.

I wish I could do right by you.
Leroy